Medieval Times: Now Featuring Weapons Training for 5-Year-Olds

Growing up, I was lucky enough to have one of Medieval Times’ nine locations within a half hour drive of my house. Meaning I had the privilege of attending a birthday party at one of their mystical castles.

The experience I had in Lyndhurst, New Jersey was unforgettable: I ate chicken with my hands, enjoyed tomato soup for the first and only time, my section’s knight won the tournament, and the car I was in pulled over on the Garden State Parkway for me to pee on the way home.

In fact, because of my social obligations over the past couple years, it’s one of the few vivid memories I have from before the age of 20. Of course the Medieval Times experience was immortalized with Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick’s hilarious jousting session in “The Cable Guy.”

But now it seems Medieval Times wants to bring that intensely violent and dangerous scene full of swordplay and mace-swinging to kids ages 5-12.

    On June 5, 12 and 26, Medieval Times California Castle will offer a free adventure-filled “Knight In Training” experience for children ages 5 to 12. This is a limited time offer with additional dates available during July and August.

    This special program begins in advance of the 3:30 p.m. performance. Participants will enjoy an exclusive weapons demonstration by the knights and learn about the grueling training involved in becoming a knight. The fun-filled experience culminates as the children are “knighted” by his majesty King Philippe.

Okay, I’m relatively sure that the employees at Medieval Times won’t allow kindergarteners and pre-teens to participate in a sword fight to the death, but sometimes dreams do come true. Medieval Times seems to be advertising this free special program as a “fun educational outing.”

You know, that just happens to be chock-full of violence.

The most baffling part of this “Knight in Training” program is the age, because quite frankly this seems to be more appealing for 20-somethings who are looking to ironically recreate an iconic movie scene. Either that or those people McLovin associates with in “Role Models.”

I mean, nothing solidifies a friendship like an old-fashioned sword fight in 14th century garb and tossing back a couple frosty ales to ease the flesh wounds. Am I right? Or does that make me a loser?